


It's Not All That Bad

by weigh153



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 01:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weigh153/pseuds/weigh153
Summary: heavily based on the movie "Those People" on Netflix, but will have a different endingPLEASE let me know what you think, it really inspires me to keep writinghaven't decided if I'm doing three or four chapters yet, that depends on how inspired I am to keep going and if you all enjoy it at all :)also: ignore birthdays being wrong and other minor details I changed, it makes the story work better. and please try to like Aaron, it makes the story better in the long run.





	1. autumn

**Author's Note:**

> heavily based on the movie "Those People" on Netflix, but will have a different ending
> 
> PLEASE let me know what you think, it really inspires me to keep writing
> 
> haven't decided if I'm doing three or four chapters yet, that depends on how inspired I am to keep going and if you all enjoy it at all :)
> 
> also: ignore birthdays being wrong and other minor details I changed, it makes the story work better. and please try to like Aaron, it makes the story better in the long run.

**September**

“Come on, Danny, it’s just a party! It’ll be fun!” Kyle sighs as he stands in the middle of the cramped dorm room, looking at his own reflection in the mirror. The classic black suit is tailored perfectly to his body, showing off his long legs and slim figure, somehow making him look even taller than he is. 

Dan on the other hand is sitting cross legged on his unmade bed, already in his pajamas despite it being the early evening on a Friday. He takes a long, slow sip of his bitter and now slightly cold coffee and eyes him wearily.

“Easy for you to say.” He mutters, flipping through the pages of the thick, overpriced (and probably outdated) textbook, a futile attempt at studying, something that he has never been particularly good at in the first place. 

“Everyone will be there, all our friends.” Kyle whines.

“ _ Your _ friends.” Dan corrects, shutting the textbook with a sigh after he realizes that there is no way he will learn anything anyway.

“But  _ you… _ ” Kyle turns around to face him, grabbing his hand. At the touch Dan’s breath hitches slightly, and for a brief moment he wonders if his friend knows the effect it has on him. “...you are my  _ best _ friend.”

_ Best friends _ … because that is all they will ever be. No matter how much he wants more, no matter how badly he wants the two of them, their relationship, to  _ be _ more, the most Dan will get are some stolen glances and friendly hugs, or the occasional sloppy kiss on the cheek when Kyle is particularly wasted after a night out.

And over the years Dan has managed to mostly convince himself that that’s alright, that that’s enough for him. He has found himself able to ignore the flutter in his heart and the butterflies in his stomach, capable of keeping boundaries instead of testing them. But then sometimes at night when everything is still and he feels so painfully lonely, desperate for some sort of intimacy in his life, his mind wonders to Kyle before he can stop it and it’s torture.

“Please Danny, it wouldn’t be the same without you there.” Kyle pleads, looking down at him with dark eyes filled with so much sadness and hope that Dan knows there's no way he can say no, no matter how badly he wants to.

“Fine. But you owe me.” Dan concedes and Kyle grins victoriously, pulling him up off the bed. Kyle then reaches into their shared closet and grabs Dan’s suit, which has been collecting dust from a severe lack of use, and tosses it to him.

“Do I really have to wear this?” Dan mutters in a low voice, but regardless he disappears into the bathroom with it and gets changed.

  
  


They walk the short distance from their residence hall to the pub in which the party is being held, the entire time Dan thinking up excuses of why he should be doing literally  _ anything _ else but this right now and Kyle coming back with an equally good reason for why this was the best possible use of his time.

“Kyle, I don’t know anyone here!” Dan whines as Kyle opens the door, letting a cool gust of air in along with them.

It’s higher end than most of the clubs near campus, smaller drinks for more money, a waste, in Dan’s opinion. But he has to admit, it is nice that the floor isn’t covered in puke and the people there aren’t  _ complete _ disasters.

At least for the most part.

“Great opportunity for you to meet some people, then!” Kyle quips back, cheerful as ever.

“I don’t want to meet new people.” Dan grumbles as they walk to the bar, where Kyle orders something for the two of them.

“Really? Because if I recall correctly, the other day you were saying something depressing about how lonely and sad your life is.” Kyle argues right back, his lips smiling but Dan could see in his eyes that he was done with this argument.

“Fine, sorry.” Dan looks down, suddenly feeling guilty about being so difficult when it was Kyle’s birthday, and the other man was probably just looking for a good time.

“No worries, babes, but just  _ please _ try to have fun?” Kyle slings an arm around his shoulder and hands him a glass with dark liquor.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan rolls his eyes and shrugs Kyle’s arm off, gently shoving him away. He does accept the glass and takes a small sip, the alcohol burning the back of his throat. 

Kyle’s attention is suddenly ripped away by a couple of girls who come in, clearly already a bit tipsy judging by the way they grab at Kyle’s arms to stabilize themselves, giggling loudly at whatever he’s saying, a painfully obvious way of flirting

Dan just shakes his head, wondering if they know that Kyle won’t ever like them that way. 

Dan stays at the bar for a bit, wallowing in his own self pity, but is quickly pulled out of his thoughts when the music that had previously been playing through the speakers suddenly stops. Only about a second of silence goes by before the room is filled with the beautifully crisp notes of a piano. His eyes follow the sound to a baby grand carefully tucked away in the corner, where a man is sitting, pressing the keys with a tender confidence that creates an equally soft but strong melody.

Suddenly intrigued, Dan spins on the barstool and gives the pianist his undivided attention, noting that this man, whoever he was, was clearly a professional, judging by the flawless way his fingers found the right chords without so much as glancing at the sheet music in front of him, his eyes closed slightly as he seemed to pour his soul into the music.

Dan shook his head at himself. He was reading into this too much, considering it was just some guy playing piano at a bar. But something about the way the mysterious man’s fingers danced over the keys so elegantly, poised but not pretentious, practiced but not rigid, an impeccable performance that was simply captivating.

Dan nearly jumps out of his skin when suddenly Kyle is next to him, once again throwing an arm over his shoulders, leaning on him rather awkwardly considering Kyle is a good bit taller.

“He’s rather good, isn’t he?” Kyle asks, his voice loud and slightly slurred from drinking.

Dan nods, feeling sick to his stomach as Kyle’s warm body touches him completely on his left side, the kind of contact that he didn’t want to feel right now, not when he knew that Kyle was just drunk, and definitely didn’t reciprocate his feelings.

Everyone, that is everyone except Kyle, knew that Dan was hopelessly in love with his best friend. It was obvious in the adoration that filled his big, blue eyes as he watched Kyle talk. It was clear in the way he always had Kyle’s coffee ready in the morning just the way he liked it. In fact, some people even thought they were together, both of them being openly gay men who were really close, but they weren’t.

They were  _ just friends. _

So right now he felt dirty, he felt disgusting and nauseous as Kyle grasped onto him, squeezing his arm tightly, a big grin on his face, eyes slightly glazed over.

“Let’s see if he takes requests!” Kyle gasps, his eyes widening almost comically with joy and excitement as he drags Dan over to the piano, ignoring his weak protests.

As they approach the piano, the man playing it looks up slowly, looking at them with a confused albeit a little amused expression. His fingers still, and his eyes dart back and forth between the two, stopping to rest on Dan, who suddenly feels a bit too hot as his face flushes red.

“Could you play a song for us?” Kyle asks excitedly, not releasing his tight grip on Dan’s hand.

“Depends, what would you like?” The piano man asks. His face looks mostly professional, but the corners of his lips are twitching slightly upwards into a small smile. Dan can’t help but notice that the man  _ is _ attractive. Dark skin and short black hair, looking polished in a classic black and white suit. He appeared to be older, but not by much, perhaps a handful of years.

“I hadn’t really thought that far…” Kyle mutters, and Dan chuckles uncomfortably as he tries to shake his hand free. Kyle let’s go and Dan immediately stuffs his hands in his pockets.

“Oh! Can you play ‘Happy Birthday’? Cause, well, it’s my birthday!” Kyle grins and the pianist stifles a laugh.

“Sure thing.” 

He begins to play the simple melody and Kyle disappears into the crowd, where his friends all start singing. Kyle looks so happy, and Dan feels like such a downer as he hovers by the piano, watching him celebrate with his other, more fun friends.

Kyle wasn’t always like this- loud, bubbly, and unaware of his surroundings. In fact, most of the time he was soft spoken, warm and friendly without being overbearing. He always seemed to know exactly what to say, exactly what to do, and never judged Dan when he was having a bad day. The two of them had been friends since they were kids, so Dan was familiar with that other side of him. And that was the side of him that Dan fell in love with. Because even though Kyle was bubbly and affectionate with everyone, it was the soft words and gentle touches that he seemed to save just for Dan.

But of course, they were ‘just friends’-- sorry  _ best _ friends-- as Kyle liked to remind Dan every chance he could.

“Is that your boyfriend?”

An unfamiliar voice jostles Dan out of a his thoughts and he spins to see the pianist looking up at him with an amused expression on his face.

“Kyle? No, God no, why would you think that?” Dan rambles, stumbling over his words with how fast he’s speaking.

“Dunno, you two seem close.” The pianist shrugs, chuckling as Dan feels his face heat up with embarrassment. “Two good looking guys, all touchy. Boyfriends seemed like a safe bet.”

“Good looking?” Dan echoes, grinning shyly.

“What? You are.” The pianist states matter-of-factly, looking him dead in the eye, a flirty smile on his face.

“That’s awfully forward don’t you think?” Dan teases, but internally he is panicking. Who was this man, and who was he to be flirting with Dan, of all people?

“What do you do when you like someone?” He asks, and Dan pauses for a second, contemplating the question.

“I pine… from afar.” He finally answers

“Well, when I fancy someone, I want them to know.”

“You barely know me, you don’t even know my name!” Dan exclaims, running a shaky hand through his hair. “How can you already know you like me?”

“You seem nice.” The pianist says simply, standing up and grabbing a coat from the rack behind him that Dan hadn’t noticed until now. “Anyway, I’m Aaron.”

The man extends a hand and Dan tentatively accepts it, shaking it slowly but firmly.

“Dan, Dan Smith.”

“You play piano.” Aaron asks him, though it comes out more as a statement. Instead of letting go he is still holding Dan’s hand and gently turning it over, examining his fingers. Dan watches, his breathing shallow, as the older man traces the curve of his long fingers with his own before giving his hand a squeeze and dropping it.

“No, not really.” Dan chuckles. Aaron looks up at him with a confused expression. “I play the keyboard sometimes, but I never properly learned.”

“Doesn’t matter, you still play.” Aaron says with a small smile. “Anyway, I’m heading out. Want to come with? We can get a bite to eat, escape this.”

Aaron gestures loosely around the dance floor, and Dan does have to agree that the tight crowd of intoxicated college students, most of them at least a couple years younger than him, all gathered around Kyle, hot bodies pressed up close to one another, was probably not his scene. But then he caught his best friend’s eye, and when Kyle’s bearded face lit up in a massive grin, his eyes so bright with happiness, waving his free hand to bekon Dan over, he realizes that even though the feeling wasn’t mutual, he would always choose Kyle, even over his own personal happiness.

“I’m sorry. I’d love to, and it was really nice to meet you, but I think I better stay.” Dan smiles sheepishly as he looks up into Aaron’s eyes, surprised that he is met not with annoyance or even  _ indifference _ , but rather with disappointment and understanding.

“Maybe next time, then.” Aaron returns the smile and gently reaches over to squeeze Dan’s forearm.

“For sure.”

And with that, the tall pianist disappears through the crowd and out the door before Dan can do so much as ask for his phone number, or some other way to find him. It felt like he was watching the life he could have walk out the door instead, a life of joy, acceptance, maybe even  _ love _ . A life where he wasn’t just the mopey best friend, but rather the star of his own personal fairy tale, the kind where he could be saved by a prince of his own.

But Dan didn’t need saving from anything but himself.

**October**

When Kyle had told him that he had planned him a ‘fun surprise’, Dan definitely did not expect to be spending an evening at the symphony, sitting in an ornate chair in his itchy sweater, unable to wipe the excited grin off his face as the musicians tuned their instruments. The orchestral instruments were all assembled in a half circle on the stage around a shiny black grand piano, the center of attention, the star of the show, the focal point, but the pianist was nowhere to be seen.

Dan watches intently as the lights dim slowly and a soft white spotlight appears to the left of the stage, illuminating a tall man in a dashing suit who seemingly appeared out of thin air, walking- almost  _ gliding _ \- gracefully towards the piano. There is an odd familiarity about this man, something in the way he sits on the piano bench as though is is where he has always belonged, the way his fingers hover over the keys so easily, an air of bliss on his face as his eyes flutter shut and he takes a final deep breath.

Oh.

_ Oh. _

The pianist from the bar.

_ What was his name again? _ Dan thinks to himself as the pianist begins to play a beautiful melody constructed of elaborate chords. He shifts forward in his seat, his mind running a thousand miles a minute as he tries not only to focus on the music but also on placing the face to a name. The talent is obvious in the way he effortlessly shifts from upbeat and cheerful staccatos to contrasting loud powerful legatos, harmonizing perfectly with the strings and horns, a beautifully balanced display of talent and expertise that puts modern music to shame. Dan is entranced as the symphony flows from piece to piece seamlessly, in fact he was so captivated that by the time the lights come back on and the audience is standing in a thundering ovation, it feels as though only mere  _ seconds _ have passed rather than the two hours that his watch tells him. He strains his ears as another man in an impeccable suit walks onto the stage with a microphone in hand.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, was Aaron Barnett on the piano.”

_ Aaron _ .

Dan grabs Kyle’s elbow, but his eyes remain trained on the pianist, who is standing with his head slightly bowed as he accepts the applause.

“Kyle, that’s the pianist from the bar!” Dan whisper shouts excitedly.

“What pianist from what bar?” Kyle asks, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Remember your birthday?” Dan sighs, watching as Aaron walks off the stage, disappearing through a door.

“Oh-- that old place? You sure it’s the same guy?” Kyle questions as Dan drags him through the rows down to the stage, weaving back and forth against the current of well dressed middle aged couples who are slowly making their way towards the doors. Kyle becomes increasingly confused and fights Dan’s grip. “Wait, Dan, the exits are back there.”

“I know.” Dan says simply, releasing his hold on Kyle when they arrive at the stage, where a few musicians are still packing up their instruments. He waves to a woman with kind eyes packing up a cello, and she comes over.

“Can I help you?” She asks, appearing a bit suspicious.

“Yes! Erm, my… friend… Aaron, the pianist? Could you maybe tell him I’m looking for him? I, uh, my name is Dan Smith?”

The cellist scrutinizes him for a moment before shrugging and mumbling something along the lines of  _ I’ll let him know _ before disappearing behind the same door.

Kyle gives Dan an odd look but before anything could be said between the two of them the door was being pushed open and out came Aaron, his tie loosened slightly but still wearing his nice suit, a small grin growing on his face when he catches Dan’s eye.

Dan smiles timidly and lifts his hand in a small wave, suddenly forgetting about his best friend next to him.

“Dan? What the hell are you doing here?” Aaron asks, grinning excitedly as he gracefully hops down from the stage down to the floor where Dan and Kyle are standing.

“Oh, uh, Kyle got us tickets,” Dan gestures to the taller of the two of them.

“Kyle Simmons.” He introduces himself, extending a hand for Aaron to shake.

“Aaron Barnett.” For a moment the two eye each other and Dan feels growingly uncomfortable when he sees an unfamiliar coldness behind Kyle’s eyes, but thankfully Aaron then turns to Dan and gives him a warm smile. 

“You were brilliant, by the way!” Dan says quickly. “How does a symphony pianist end up playing in a ratty old pub?”

“Hey, I like playing in the bars!” Aaron laughs, raising his hands in mock defense. “There’s a sort of freedom there that I don’t get here. I can play whatever I like, and perform however I want to. It’s oddly… liberating.”

Aaron regards him for a moment, and Dan feels strangely warm under his eyes. He doesn’t usually like the vulnerability that came with being watched, being really looked at by another person, but right now it makes him feel weirdly giddy, a small flutter in his stomach as Aaron looks deeply into his eyes, before quickly clearing his throat and shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Anyways, maybe you can take me up on that dinner sometime?”

Dan wearily looks at Kyle, but Kyle only shrugs in a way to say  _ do what you’d like _ . 

“What about tonight?” Dan offers with a newfound boldness.

“Sounds lovely.” Aaron says with a smile.

“So I’ll see you later?” Dan asks Kyle, shifting uncomfortably on his feet.

“Yeah, sure.” Kyle mumbles before turning around and disappearing into the mass of people.

 

\--

 

“This is my favorite spot.” Aaron sighs as he lowers himself onto the edge of the building, letting his feet dangle down.

“Is this legal?” Dan chuckles as he sits next to Aaron, keeping one hand firmly grasped around the railing behind them, just in case.

They are sitting on the edge of the symphony hall in which they had just been in, taking in the view of the illuminated city. The yellow glow coming through the windows of the tall buildings create an irregular pattern of light in the sky.

“Not entirely, but I’ve never been caught.” Aaron smiles mischievously.

The two sit in comfortable silence for a few moments, and Dan finds himself slowly growing more comfortable as he listens to the sounds coming from the streets below them.

“So, Kyle seemed pretty pissed off.”

“Oh, don’t worry about him. He’s just… overprotective.” Dan explains, gesturing vaguely with his hand.

“Why’s that?”

Dan pauses. This wasn’t exactly what he would consider an ideal first date conversation topic, because his and Kyle’s story was a long one, and sadly not always a cheerful one.

“We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. Our mums were close, so when my family went through some shit Kyle’s family took me in, let me live with them for a few months while my parents sorted things out. He’s like a brother to me.”

“Sounds like a good friend.”

“He is.” A small smile forms on Dan’s face as he thinks about Kyle. “One time, while I was staying with him, he found me while I was crying under the bed. I was hyperventilating, really freaked out. Kyle, he crawled under the bed and stayed with me through it, held my hand, tried to help me slow down my breathing. Nothing seemed to be helping, I couldn’t calm down, but then… he kissed me.”

Dan pauses for a moment before drawing his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees.

“I didn’t know what to do. We were only thirteen, and although I knew I was gay I was so far in the closet I might as well have been in Narnia. So I panicked and the next day at school I told the entire class that ‘ _ Kyle is a fag _ ’.”

“You outed your best friend?” Aaron huffs incredulously.

“Yep. But do you know what Kyle did?” Dan laughs and shakes his head, smiling fondly at the memory. “He went to school the day after with his nails painted hot pink using his sister’s polish and just took it head on, not even bothering to deny it. He didn’t even get angry with me.”

“Wow.”

“Ever since then, we’ve been inseparable. I know he will always be there for me, and I’ve also been there for him went he went through some shit, too.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened with your parents for you to have to move out?”

Dan takes a shaky breath and runs a hand through his hair.

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s too personal.” Aaron says quickly.

“No, no. It’s okay.” Dan takes a deep breath. “I uh… I used to tell people my father had died. It was easier than the truth, and honestly, sometimes it kind of feels like he did.”

He pauses for a minute and chuckles humorlessly. 

“But the bastard didn’t die. He just left my mum when I was twelve and ran off to live with another family--  _ his _ other family. I never really found out why. I can only assume I wasn’t the son he always wanted.”

“That explains the crying under the bed.” Aaron comments thoughtfully.

“It used to upset me, bother me. It was like there was this big piece missing from my life. But over the years I’ve come to realize that I didn’t really lose a father, he was never  _ really _ a father, just the man that gave me some genes.”

“Still, I’m sorry.”

Dan turns to face Aaron, really  _ look  _ at him, and smiles sadly when he sees the sincerity in his eyes. His words, however brief, were so  _ genuine _ . He was clearly sorry and he clearly meant it, and they contrasted greatly from the empty apologies and looks of pity that Dan had been receiving for years from teachers, classmates, family, friends, even mere strangers who had heard about the poor boy and his father, or rather, lack thereof.

“Thank you.”

 

\--

 

The next morning, Dan woke up with the sun in the cramped dorm room he shared with Kyle. It was not all that bad, they kept the decor minimal, everything pretty plain except for one wall which was host to an ever growing collection of photographs, posters, tickets, postcards, all sorts of memories taped carefully to the peeling paint. He blinked slowly and shuffled upward on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard and rubbing a hand over his face, making a mental note to shave latter that day.

His eyes wandered to the other bed, where Kyle was still fast asleep, looking peaceful and carefree as ever as he laid with his long limbs sprawled and his usually perfectly styled hair in disarray. Dan felt his heart tighten in his chest as his eyes roamed over his best friends body, almost against his will. Kyle would never be his, and he would never be Kyle's. It was just the sad truth, but he still couldn’t seem to get over it, even years into this silly crush.

Dan, feeling a bit restless despite having just woken up, stood up off the bed as quietly as he could and went over to his desk, where he had set up an electric kettle perfect for brewing tea or making shitty instant coffee for days where he find himself too rushed to stop by the shop he liked.

He filled up the kettle in the bathroom sink and plugged it into the wall, turning it on before he goes to sit back down on his unmade bed to wait for the water to boil.

He picked anxiously at the sleeve of the oversized sweater he was wearing, suddenly feeling really conflicted. On the one hand, he loved Kyle, and knew that he would always be in love with him. In his mind they were a match made in heaven, Kyle being loud and ever optimistic, balancing perfectly with Dan’s own quieter introversion. Kyle knew Dan better than anyone, arguably better than Dan himself, and always knew when it was appropriate to push him, and when to just let him be. Because of Kyle, Dan found himself more courageous, participating in class more often and standing up for himself, pushing past his shyness and his anxieties in order to be able to accomplish his goals.

To Kyle he owed everything.

But Kyle didn’t want him in  _ that _ way, in the way Aaron wanted him. So it should be an easy choice, then. Right? Keep Kyle as a friend, and explore his newfound relationship with Aaron, a painfully attractive man who was incredibly kind, talented, and all around just  _ lovely _ . There was so many reasons for him to just say  _ yes _ to Aaron. There was every reason for him to just jump headfirst into a brand new realm of wonderful possibilities, a future with potential for happiness, for companionship, because who was he  _ kidding _ , Aaron was thus far proving to be the definition of a perfect man. So far, he had really proven himself to be genuinely  _ good _ . It didn’t seem as though all he was looking for was a meaningless one night stand, judging by the way he looked at Dan as though he really saw him for who he was, listening to the words he was saying, or just allowing the silence to settle between the two of them comfortably. There was a familiarity about the older man, a sense of security, a feeling that could only be described as  _ this is what I’ve been looking for my whole life. _

So what was stopping him? Stopping from just jumping right in, going on more dates, talking and laughing and hell, maybe even kissing, or… more. What was stopping from releasing the breath it felt as though he's been holding his whole life? What was keeping him from just saying goodbye to the metaphorical cloud that seemed to constantly loom over his head, raining the harsh truth on his head every time he tried to just for  _ once _ let himself be happy?

Kyle was.

And Kyle wasn’t intentionally he doing it, he was just too oblivious for his own good. He didn’t seem to be able to see how it really just messed with Dan’s emotions every time he shouted an ‘ _ I love you! _ ’ when Dan handed him his morning coffee or offered to give him a back rub after a particularly long day or even just gave him a friendly hug after they hadn’t seen each other for more than twenty four hours (they were stupidly co-dependant, never spending more than maybe a weekend apart). Kyle seemed to be genuinely unaware of Dan’s lovestruck gaze, of how his breathing stopped every time they touched, of how he had to avert his eyes every time Kyle left their shared bathroom with only a towel around his waist, searching lazily  for something to put on.

And it wasn’t as though Dan never considered telling him, of course he considered it. They were two gay men who got on quite well, so why couldn’t they be more? But there was not only Dan’s anxiety and ever present self doubt that put admitting his feelings out of the question, but there was also Kyle frequent reminders that Dan was his  _ best-fucking-friend. _

And no one wanted to be called a friend by their crush.

Dan was brought out of his thoughts by the  _ ding _ from the kettle, signaling that the water was now boiling. With a sigh, he stands from his spot on the bed and shuffles back to the desk, where he grabs two mugs and puts a tea bag in each, pouring the water over and then leaving them to brew for a moment. He wanders to their closet and grabs a couple protein bars, the empty feeling in his stomach reminding him that he and Aaron never actually ended up getting dinner last night and he hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before.

As he goes to sit back down, he looks up to see Kyle slowly blinking his eyes open.

“G’Morning.” Kyle mumbles, his voice hoarse from sleep, sitting up slowly so his back is leaning against the wooden headboard.

“Morning.” Dan replies softly, grabbing one of the mugs and handing it to Kyle, who accepts it with a grateful smile.

“How was your  _ hot date? _ ” Kyle teases, a cheeky grin twitching the corners of his mouth upwards. Dan rolls his eyes but can’t help but smile as he grabs his own mug and carefully balances it in his hands as he sits back down.

“It was good.” Dan smiles softly, feeling his cheeks turn a little red as Kyle raises his eyebrows, expecting an elaboration. “We just talked, we didn’t-- we didn’t  _ do _ anything.”

“But you had fun?” Kyle asks, his brows pressing together in worry.

“Yes. It was nice.” Dan reassures.

Kyle carefully sets down his mug before standing up and moving to sit next to Dan.

“I’m glad.” He says, bumping his knee against Dan’s. “He seems like a nice guy.”

“You didn’t seem to think that last night.” Dan mutters, lowering his head slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“You-- you seemed kind of pissed when we were talking to Aaron, he even commented it. I just said you were being overprotective but I’m not… I’m not a  _ child _ anymore, Kyle. I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.”

“I never said you couldn’t.” Kyle says defensively, before adding more softly. “But I understand, it wasn’t cool of me, I guess I’m just going to miss you, if you have someone else to spend all your time with.”

Dan looks up at that, his face laced with confusion.

“What do you mean? We’re only friends.”

Kyle frowns.

“Y-yeah, of course.”

And maybe he imagines it, but Kyle doesn’t even seem to believe himself as he says it, a weird sort of fear or maybe uncertainty behind his eyes as he looks into Dan’s.

_ Best-fucking-friends. _

 

**November**

It has now been nearly a month since Dan and Aaron shared their first date, and since then, the two of them had gone on many others and were even officially upgrading from the term ‘dating’ to ‘boyfriends’.

Dan had always hated that word in the past, thought it sounded awfully juvenile and almost  _ girlish _ , not quite fitting into how he saw his relationship. But now that he had one, a boyfriend, that is, he found himself quite liking the word. More importantly, he found himself quite fond of the person whom the label belonged to. 

He and Aaron did spend a lot of time together, between their weekly dinner dates and the more spontaneous meeting up for coffee early in the mornings or at the bar late at night. They did all the things young couples did, from going to the terribly overpriced movie theatres to watch the latest releases, to making out like teenagers on Aaron’s sofa until his housemate inevitable burst through the door, forcing them apart, Dan’s cheeks blushing a deep red.

And Dan loved it.

He was stupidly happy, in a way he had never been before.

And although he found himself almost always thinking about Aaron, wondering about him, and wanting to spend every waking moment with him, he made sure to leave time and space for Kyle too, because even though he really, really liked Aaron, Dan could not bring himself to stop loving Kyle.

And as his relationship flourishes with Aaron, Dan finds himself feeling even more torn between the two.

 

\--

 

It’s a rainy day when he gets the text, a cryptic message from Aaron saying simply yet urgently to go to the symphony hall, to meet him by the stage. It’s still early so he knows that there isn’t a performance, so he feels nervous as he pushed open the back entrance, which he knows how to unlock thanks to the code that Aaron gave him. He wanders through the back area until he reaches the door that when pushed open reveals the gorgeous stage, empty except for a shiny black grand piano, right in the center. Aaron is seated right at the bench.

Dan walks up to him, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, feeling cold even through his knit jumper. He slows his step as he approaches the bench, stopping when he’s close enough to reach out and touch Aaron’s shoulder. The older man looks up to him with a warm smile and Dan leans down towards him, kissing his lips softly.

Kissing Aaron still felt electric and made him feel a wonderful warm tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach.

“Hey.” Dan says softly as they seperate.

“Hello.” Aaron says, still smiling.

“So, was there something you wanted to talk about?” Dan asks as he sits onto the piano bench next to the older man, shoulder to shoulder, legs pressed up against each other.

“Yes!” Aaron says quickly, suddenly looking nervous as he stares down at the piano keys, his fingers hovering lightly over them but not actually pressing down. “I’ve been thinking about… us… and I sort of wanted to say that I  _ really  _ like you. Like, a lot. And I haven’t ever really felt that way about someone before? So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I sort of… love you?”

And that moment, with those three words, was when everything fell apart.

Why?

Because Dan didn’t say it back.

Because Dan couldn’t say it back.

Because Dan loved someone else.

Apparently Dan was silent for a while too long because Aaron touches his shoulder, forcing him to look up into his eyes.

“Dan? You alright?” Aaron chuckles, his eyes warm with so much love that Dan thinks he might just start to cry.

“I… I… I don’t… I can’t…” Dan mumbles, his mouth repeatedly opening and closing, starting sentences but leaving them without an end.

“Oh.” Aaron retracts his hand, and his eyebrows slowly come together in a frown as he realizes what’s happening.

“Aaron, it’s not you, it’s--” Dan starts but the older man cuts him off.

“No, Daniel, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain.” Aaron says, his voice unfamiliarly cold and void of emotion as he stands up from the piano and starts to gather his things.

“You don’t understand,” Dan tries again.

“Look, Dan, if you aren’t saying it back because you aren’t ready, I would be fine with it. But we both know that not the reason.” Aaron huffs as he starts to walk away.

“Wait!” Dan almost shouts, grabbing Aaron’s wrist and forcing him to turn around. “I really,  _ really _ like you.”

Aaron tenses, but then his expression softens, and he looks at Dan with so much remorse and disappointment it just about breaks his heart.

“I know you do, Dan. But you love him.” Aaron responds.

And then he walks away.

 

\--

 

Later that night, Dan finds himself sulking in the dark of the shared dorm room. Kyle, of course, was nowhere to be seen, and for once, Dan is grateful. He’s happy he doesn’t have to face him, doesn’t have to explain why he’s crying under the covers when he should be out with his beautiful man, his greatest accomplishment. 

He knew this was long time coming, hell, it was inevitable. Because no matter how much he prayed and even though he tried everything in his power to just  _ stop _ , he couldn’t seem to get rid of his feelings for Kyle.

He curls his body under the covers, hugging himself with his arms, not bothering to care about how gross his pillow case must be from his tears. His hands travel up to his hair and he pulls at it in frustration, groaning as he sobs, angry with Kyle for being to damn lovable, angry at Aaron for being so fucking perfect, but most of all, angry at himself for being the biggest idiot in this whole planet.

The door creaks as it opens, and he hears footprints, holding his breath as, who he assumes to be Kyle, walks into the room.

His assumption is confirmed when he hears his friend’s familiar voice.

“Oh! You’re back early.”

Dan doesn’t reply, just stays as still and quiet as possible under the comforter, praying that maybe Kyle will think he fell asleep and leave him alone.

But then he feels a dip in the bed and a hand on his knee.

“I know you’re not asleep.” Kyle says softly. “You always wait up for me, say you’re worried I’ll end up in a ditch.”

“Fuck off.” Dan groans, but Kyle doesn’t leave. In fact, he just has the audacity to lie down right next to Dan, so they’re face to face, noses only centimeters apart.

“Wait-- have you been crying? What’s wrong?” Kyle asks, brow furrowed. He puts one of his hands on Dan’s thin bicep, squeezing it in reassurance. In any other situation Dan would have felt warm at the touch, he would have leaned into it, relished in it, enjoyed the shiver it sent down his spine. But right now it just felt wrong, the touch itched uncomfortably on his feverish skin, making him feel dirty and pathetic. 

“Aaron broke up with me.” Dan mutters, averting his eyes and scooting as far away from Kyle as possible, which isn’t much considering it’s a twin sized bed. His back hits the wall and he’s still only maybe a foot away from Kyle.

“Why the fuck would he do that?” Kyle frowns, still not letting go of Dan’s arm.

“He said he loved me.” Dan sighs, feeling a fresh wave of tears coming. “But I couldn’t say it back.”

“Why not? You adore him, he’s- you two are perfect together.” Kyle sounds perplexed, his brow furrowing in confusion as he rubs up and down Dan’s arm.

“But I don’t love him, Kyle. I… I love someone else.” Dan mutters, the words feeling like poison on his tongue, painful as he pushes them out.

“Who?”

Dan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“You.”

At that point Kyle does let go, and he sits up on the bed, straightening himself up and tensing.

“No, Dan. You don’t.”

“But I do, Kyle. I always have.” Dan cries, opening his eyes and shuffling upwards to sit on the opposite end of the bed.

“No you don’t!” Kyle exclaims, his voice loud and harsh in the quiet room. “You don’t fucking love me.”

There’s a pause for moment, and Dan opens his mouth to say something but Kyle beats him to it.

“I’m bad for you, Dan.”

“No you’re not, Kyle. You’re good to me. You take care of me, you keep me sane, without you I would be--”

“No, Dan!” Kyle just about yells, standing up abruptly, and grabbing his coat. “I… I have to go.”

He shoots one last glance at Dan, who has returned to being a sobbing mess on the bed. This was far worse than Dan could have imagined. If he had thought that being in love and Kyle not knowing had hurt, than this - having him know - was painful beyond words. It felt as though his heart was being ripped out of his chest, thrown onto the ground, and stomped all over like a piece of trash. It was impossible to speak, painful to breath, his whole body way too hot and freezing cold at the exact same time. 

The feeling gave heartbroken a whole new meaning.

“Please, try to get some sleep.” Kyle says, his voice softer and laced with a deep sadness.

And Dan watches him disappear through the door, being left behind for the second time that day.

  
  



	2. winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He should have expected this to happen, right? It was too perfect. It seemed as though everything in his life was destined to be fucked, so what led him to believe that this would have worked out any different?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow apparently I'm super bad at updating so here's a chapter. I have my last exam friday and then I'm out for the summer so hopefully I can get back to writing, I really miss it.

**December**

Dan was alone for Christmas.

He had called home, but apparently his mother decided that now that her son was all grown up, she could indulge herself in a solo vacation to some random island in the Caribbean, and it wasn’t as though Dan had any other family, not after his father left them, so he found himself alone with no one to spend the holidays. He was hurt, but at the same time a part of him didn’t expect any different. He knew he always reminded his mother of dear old Dad. But regardless of whether or not he expected it, it still stung, to be rejected by his own more.

Usually he would have spent Christmas with Kyle, and Kyle and his family  _ did _ in fact offer to have him, but things were still tense between the two of them. They had mostly been able to repair their friendship, considering it is quite difficult to keep on hating someone you share a tiny room with, so he didn’t want to risk destroying the little progress they had mad. There definitely  would be added pressure being near Kyle’s parents, who though extremely kind and generous, seemed to think that he and Dan were together.

Dan figured that that wasn’t what he and Kyle needed right now.

So, without his mother and without his second family, he was alone.

Their dorm room felt awfully small with Kyle. The man was tall, and his personality was bigger, so his presence left a gap, a painful emptiness when he was gone.

Dan took to studying, even started writing songs again, anything to pass the time. He stayed inside most days, watching the snow fall from the small window, sipping the disgusting cheap instant coffee he had a love hate relationship with, overthinking every single interaction he had had with Kyle in the past month, desperately trying to figure out if he could fix it, fix the giant tear in their relationship, rebuild the broken trust, and maybe get back to where they were.

Maybe one day it would be possible, but right now it sure as hell didn’t feel like it.

 

\--

 

It was a particularly chilly day when Dan came to a realization. Once again, he was perched by the window, this time nursing a mug of hot cocoa. He was watching the snowflakes fall lazily, sticking to his window and then becoming frozen there, plastered momentarily before they would inevitably melt.

He was shivering slightly despite his warm layers, almost as though the cold was coming from inside him, when he realize it.

He didn’t love Kyle anymore.

Well, he still cared about him. He still wanted the best for him. He still wanted him to be a part of his world.

But he didn’t love him.

At least not in the way he used to.

How it happened? He wasn’t quite sure. Dan was smart enough to know that feelings don’t tend to just disappear, but right now it seemed as though they had. There was no logical explanation for it, they were just… gone.

Part of him missed those feelings. Part of him missed the electricity that would run in his veins at the mere thought of his friend, the tingling that would come from his touch, the warmth that would come from his embrace.

But a bigger part of him felt an overwhelming sense of relief. Because, finally, he was free. He was free to move on, to be with someone he loves, and most importantly, to be with someone who loves him back.

 

Without wasting a moment, Dan hastily pulled on a decent pair of jeans and grabbed his coat and a scarf for good measure, pulling on the battered converse that would probably do a poor job of sheltering his feet in the snow. He stumbled out the doorway, double checked he had everything he needed, and left the dorm hall, wandering through the streets almost absentmindedly, his feet working by instinct to bring him to his destination.

He reached the door he was looking for, and knocked on the door, shoving his hands into his pockets as he waits for the door to open.

When it does, he sees a very confused looking Aaron, still wearing pajamas, very different from the formalwear Dan was used to seeing him in.

“Can we talk?” Dan asks, his voice barely above a whisper, his heart thumping in his chest.

Aaron steps aside and gestures for him to come in, and Dan does, slipping through the doorway and pausing as Aaron shuts it behind him. The older man barely looks at Dan as he walks to the sofa in the front room, plopping down rather unceremoniously and gesturing for Dan to do the same. Dan sits on the other side, settling himself down carefully and slowly, his eyes never leaving Aaron’s expressionless face, trying to search for any sign of what he’s thinking.

There’s none.

“I need to tell you something. I haven’t really thought it through, so I’m sorry if this comes out funny. Over the past months I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I’ve been thinking a lot. About myself, about Kyle, about-- about you. About this, this fucking  _ mess _ I created. And I’ve been thinking about it so much I almost forgot to just consider how I  _ feel _ . Because I guess that no matter how much I think about things, trying to make them perfect, trying to  _ be _ perfect, trying to do the right thing, the reality is that the best things I can do, for everyone, is to just be honest with myself about what I’m feeling.”

“What are you saying, Dan?” Aaron sighs, looking impatient, tired, and almost… hurt.

Dan takes a deep breath, looking deeply in the big warm eyes he had grown so fond of.

“I love  **you** , Aaron.”

Aarons eyes widen, and for a moment Dan panics, but then Aaron’s shock turns into elation, a giant grin playing on his face as he reaches over to take one of Dan’s hands, holding it lovingly between both of own, rubbing over the top of it with his fingers.

“I love you too, Dan.”

And that was all Dan need to hear. He leaned closer, pausing when his face was only a few centimeters away from Aarons, his eyes searching his face frantically for any sort of doubt or hesitation, and when finding none, he closes his eyes, and slowly pushes their lips together.

The kiss starts out soft, but quickly turns more heated. Aaron’s hands travel to his hips and crawl up his sides, tugging at his coat trying to get it off. Dan pulls away momentarily chuckling softly as undoes the buttons and pulls it off, tossing it to this side carelessly. He then shifts closer so their knees are touching, leaning back in and reconnecting their lips.

Somehow they ended up in the bedroom, Dan lying on his back on the bed while Aaron propped himself up on top of him, peppering his freckled cheeks with soft kisses, tickling him with his stubble, making Dan laugh. Cold hands travelled underneath his t-shirt, making Dan gasp.

Clothes were thrown carelessly onto the floor, and the for the first time in his life Dan didn’t feel terribly insecure about his body as Aaron explored it with his fingers, slowly and carefully, almost as though trying to memorize every dimple, every curve, counting his ribs and tracing the smooth lines of his shoulder blades.

Aaron was gentle, and he took his time. He went slow, trying to distract Dan when he knew it felt uncomfortable, and probably hurt quite a bit too, by holding him close, kissing away the tears and whispering words of reassurance. But after the initial discomfort it soon felt good, and then it felt nothing short of amazing, and before he knew it the two of them were collapsed onto the bed next to each other sticky with sweat and other things on top of the still made bed.

Dan was definitely not completely back yet, his breathing still uneven and his vision still hazy. He barely registered Aaron gently cleaning him up with his discarded shirt, but he did remember the wonderful feeling of being pulled back into his arms, snuggled up against his chest, falling asleep to the rhythmic massage of his fingers combing through his messy hair. And although it was freezing cold outside, Dan could not think of a time he had ever felt so warm.

**January**

The next month flew by in a flurry of snowflakes and affection. For the first time in a really long time, Dan felt truly happy. The feeling was foreign, and he couldn’t remember a time where he had been so truly content with his life in the present and so optimistic and hopeful for the future. He was stupidly in love, finding himself spending most of his time with Aaron, and if they weren’t together, he was thinking about him, wondering about him, daydreaming about him. He wanted to laugh about ridiculous he felt, so enamored that he felt as though there was nothing that could possibly bring him down.

Except maybe Kyle.

His relationship with Kyle was definitely not how it had been before. They were friendly, sure, but there was a new coldness, a tangible distance between them. They only really saw each other in the dorms, never talked about anything more than just a polite greeting and the customary ‘how are you’ or maybe the occasional ‘can I borrow a pair of socks?’. There was no warmth between them, no getting drunk on a Friday night at the local pub, no joking around at two in the morning when neither of them could sleep, and definitely no more hugs, or any sort of touching for that matter.

So when Dan woke up alone in Aaron’s bed that cold morning, grabbed his phone off of the side table to see that he had gotten a text from Kyle, saying that Dan  _ needed to get to the dorms as soon as possible _ and that Kyle just  _ really needed him _ , needless to say, he was surprised. His stomach was twisting with worry and anticipation as he untangeled himself from the sheets, searching the floor for the clothes that had been discarded the night before. There was a wave of guilt when he saw Aaron watching him with a frown from the doorway.

“I’m so sorry, Kyle texted me, he sounds really upset, and I know he wouldn’t text me if it wasn’t a big deal, I should really go check on him--” 

“Hey,” Aaron stops his rambling with a soft voice, walking towards Dan and wrapping him up in a hug. He held him close as Dan took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. “It’s okay, I understand. Go see what’s going on.”

Dan’s worried frown quickly melted into a small smile, and he reached up to give Aaron a quick kiss.

“Thank you, you’re the best.” Dan whispered.

Aaron let him out and Dan promised to call as soon as he figured out what was wrong, before stumbling out into the snow covered streets, making his way back to their dorm.

 

As he pushes the door open, he sees Kyle sitting cross legged on top of his bed, hands in his hair, tugging at the strands. Dan can see in his face that he’s been crying, his eyes red and puffy, nose running, tear tracks on his cheeks.

“Kyle, what’s wrong.” Dan asks cautiously as he shuts the door behind himself and takes a few tentative steps towards the other man, pausing a few feet away to leave some space between the two of them.

“My d-dad. H-he…” Kyle starts, his breaths short, barely able to get a word out. “D-Dan… I don’t know what to do… I c-can’t do this…”

Kyle’s father was a sensitive subject. A few years back, the man- who everyone had believed to be a wonderful father and a loving husband as well as a successful business owner- had been put under investigation and eventually convicted for embezzlement. It was a tragedy.

“Kyle, breath, one word at a time.” Dan soothes, carefully approaching Kyle and taking a seat on the bed next to him. He slowly reaches out and puts a hand between Kyle’s shoulder blades, rubbing small circles over the tense muscles.

“H-he…” Kyle starts again, pausing to take a deep breath and lifting his head to look Dan in the eye, and Dan will never forget the crushed look on his face when Kyle says the next few words. “He’s dead.”

 

\--

 

There was something ironic in how a death could bring people closer together. It seemed as though a loved ones passing either fixed or a relationship or completely destroyed it, with no in between. Mr. Simmon’s passing seemed to be just the thing that the boys needed to bring them together, because Kyle was in need of comfort and Dan was ready to give it.

 

Kyle was depressed.

He wouldn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep, but at the same time he could not bear to get out of bed.

But Dan stayed by his side, bringing him tea or water, making sure he was at least somewhat taking care of himself.

Kyle’s father was not a bad man. In fact, all he ever wanted was the best for his family. That’s why he did it, he was desperate. He wanted success so that Kyle could be successful, so that he could pay for his son’s tuition and buy his wife gifts.

But he wasn’t careful enough, and eventually his past caught up with him and he ended up behind bars.

Jail was rough on him, he was beaten up by other prisoners, and eventually it became to much.

They say he killed himself, using torn up bed sheets to tie a makeshift noose.

 

\--

 

One morning, Dan wakes up in his warm bed, pulling the blankets up to his chin and snuggling up in them, trying to hold on to sleep a moment longer.

But just as he’s about to slip back into his dreams, he smells… bread?

Blinking his eyes open, Dan slowly shuffles up the bed to lean against the headboard, and his eyes widen when he sees Kyle, out of bed, dressed in proper clothing for the first time in days, clutching a paper bag in one hand and a tray with two takeaway cups of coffee in the other.

“I brought you breakfast?” It was a statement but came out more as a question.

Dan reached for his glasses and put them on, running one hand through his messy hair before accepting the cup of coffee that Kyle was handing to him. Kyle then handed him the bag of food, before gingerly taking a seat on the edge of Dan’s bed. 

Dan watched with curiosity as Kyle opened his mouth slowly, as though he was still deciding on what to say.

“I wanted to apologize.”

Dan blinks at him, raising his eyebrows as a way to tell him to continue.

“I’ve been a real shit friend. Basically ever since my birthday. It’s not fair to you.”

“Kyle, it’s okay. Things worked themselves out.”

“No, Dan. I…” Kyle pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Look, Aaron is really good for you, you know? He’s a good man, and I don’t know why I was such a prick about it. And then after everything with my dad… you were there for me. You were always there for me. And I don’t think I ever said so much as a thank you so… thank you. And I’m sorry.”

Dan feels dumbfounded and can’t help but just stare in shock as Kyle’s sincere apology settles in his brain. It wasn’t that he was surprised about the apology so much as he was intrigued by how he brought up Aaron, because frankly, Dan didn’t think Aaron was the problem. He knew he had made Kyle uncomfortable when he confessed his love to him that one night after he and Aaron broke things off, but he didn’t see how his boyfriend was directly related to- let alone responsible for- any of the tension between the two of them. As far as Dan was concerned, he felt that he himself was the only one to blame for the mess.

But of course he couldn’t say all of that to his friend, because he himself didn’t really understand the whole situation either.

“Kyle, it’s really okay.”

“Still, I’m sorry.”

**February**

Dan always hated Valentines day. He thought it was way too cheesy and didn’t understand why people made such a big deal over what was essentially a holiday only created so that already wealthy businesses could make money off of people’s personal relationships- or in some cases- their lack thereof. It was a time for ridiculously grand romantic gestures that often had little to no actual feeling behind them, a time for expensive dates and crowded restaurants. Because every year it seemed as though neither of them ever had a special someone to spend the poor excuse of a holiday with, he and Kyle had made it a sort of tradition to make the best of a day they both thought was just so ridiculous. They would go down to the DVD shop and rent some random cheesy eighties romantic comedies and buy big bags of overpriced heart shaped sweets and curl up on one of their beds as they watched the film on an old laptop, warm and cozy under the covers.

So even though he despised Valentine’s day as a concept, Dan treasured that tradition with his whole heart and always looked forward to it. Previous years it had been one of the times he had where he could almost pretend that he and Kyle’s relationship extended to more than just friendship.

But this year Dan had Aaron, and Aaron said he had a ‘special surprise’.

 

As Dan and Aaron sat in the restaurant, slowly eating their cake in small bites with the ridiculous little dessert forks, Dan couldn’t help but internally chuckle at how this- an expensive dinner at a posh french restaurant with a menu he couldn’t pronounce half of- was exactly the kind of thing he had spent so many year criticizing and making fun of with Kyle in the past. But he set those feelings aside and tried to see the good in it. It was the thought that counted, really, and he was sure that Aaron was just trying to do something nice for him, and at the very least he had to appreciate that.

“So, what’s the surprise?” Dan asked with a cheeky grin.

“What do you mean? Is a fancy dinner not enough for you?” Aaron teased back, trying to at least look as though he was offended but failing miserably.

“So, what is it?” Dan pressed, a little nervous but mostly excited to hear what the older man had to say.

Aaron set down his fork and took a sip of his champagne, clearing his throat and shifting a little in his seat. He looked strangely nervous, very different from the usually confident face the older man put.

“Well, basically, I’ve been slowly but surely moving up the ranks at the symphony, and yesterday my boss pulled me into his office to congratulate me for all my hard work.”

“Wow… that’s amazing, Aaron. I’m so proud of you.” Dan smiled sincerely.

“Thanks, babe.” Aaron smiled back, reaching across the table to take Dan’s hand in his. “He uh, he offered me a raise, a pretty substantial one at that, but he also gave me another option.”

“Oh yeah?”

“A position for a pianist opened up at the San Francisco Symphony. It’s very rare that they hire someone new but my boss put in a good word for me, so they offered me the spot. It’s one of the greatest symphonies in the world, and it would be an amazing opportunity. ”

Dan froze.

“Does this mean… what I think it means?” He asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah. I would have to leave in March.”

“That’s in two weeks.” Dan whispered, tears began forming in his eyes but he blinked them away, determined not to cry.

“I know… but I was sort of hoping that you would, maybe,” Aaron paused and looked right into Dan’s eyes. “...come with me?”

“You want me to move to San Francisco with you?” Dan asked, slowly pulling his hand out of Aaron’s grip.

“Yeah. Yes.” Aaron nodded, a cautious but hopeful smile on his face.

“Aaron…” Dan started.

“I know you have school, but you could take classes online or transfer to a school over there, I’m sure they’d accept you in a heartbeat. And I know it’s a big step and it feels like things are moving quickly but I really love you and don’t want to do this without you.”

Dan just stared at his hands in his lap, unable to look up at Aaron and look at his eyes so full of hope and love.

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t just pack up his things and leave everything he’s ever known, leave his school, his family, his friends, his  _ life _ \- just for some guy. But then again, Aaron wasn’t just  _ some guy _ , he was wonderful, and sweet, and considerate. He was kind and gentle, loving and just blatantly brilliant. He was everything Dan could ever want and more. Dan almost thought he could be the one- he could picture a life with Aaron, their lives fit together nicely. He could see them waking up together on a lazy Saturday morning, all tangled up in each other and not getting out of bed until mid-day, afternoons curled up on the couch- Dan behind his laptop typing furiously to meet his next deadline and Aaron behind a book- but nevertheless, together. He could picture Monday mornings, Aaron pouring Dan a takeaway cup of coffee while the younger scurried around the house trying to get his things together as not to be late for work. Their lives worked together, they were happy, Dan was happy.

But Dan couldn’t leave. He loved London, even though it was crowded, dirty, and expensive. He loved the underground music culture, he loved the people and the activity. His family was here, and he wasn’t sure his mother would take well to her son leaving, especially after being left behind by her husband already. 

Kyle was here, and leaving him was something that Dan couldn’t even imagine. Kyle was his constant ever since they were babies. Kyle stuck by his side no matter what happened- from petty arguments in elementary school over things that didn’t even make sense to their teenage years and up through adulthood where the problems were far more real. But through it all, Kyle never let him down. Kyle was always there for him, whether it was to offer advice or just a shoulder to cry on, and Dan was eternally grateful. He couldn’t leave Kyle behind, not after all they went through together. What kind of friend would he be if he did? He put Kyle through so much, and the least he could do was stick around. But Dan also needed Kyle. He couldn’t leave because he needed his best friend more than anything. Kyle was still the only one who could talk him down from panic, the only one who could distract him when everything became too much, too overwhelming.

Aaron was wonderful, but Aaron couldn’t replace Kyle, not yet.

“I’m sorry, I-” Dan started, but Aaron interrupted him again.

“Look, at least think about it, please.” The older man practically pleaded.

“I- okay. I’ll think about it.” Dan knew that delaying it would only hurt them both more in the end, but he just couldn’t say no, not now.

They finished their deserts in silence, the silence hanging heavily in the air between them.

“Do you want to go back to my place?” Aaron asked after they paid and left the restaurant, walking down the street in the cold, February air.

“I’d love to, but I have an early class tomorrow.”

It wasn’t a lie, he did have an early class the next day, but that had never stopped him before. He just couldn’t do that right now.

“Oh, okay. At least let me walk you back?”

They walked in silence, hands stuffed into their respective pockets instead of intertwining their fingers together. A light snow fell from the grey clouded sky but it’s beauty was lost in the tension between them.

When they reached the building they exchanged their goodbyes. Aaron asked Dan to call him tomorrow, Dan told him maybe. He felt heartbroken, but at the same time he felt nothing, just a heavy emptiness in his chest.

He should have expected this to happen, right? It was too perfect. It seemed as though everything in his life was destined to be fucked, so what led him to believe that this would have worked out any different?

He walks into the dorm room to find Kyle already there, sitting on his own bed with headphones on, staring intently at something on his computer screen. When he notices Dan he gives him the biggest, brightest smile and for some reason it just makes Dan even more angry. 

  
  



End file.
